From the desk of Rabbi Alex Greenbaum

Dear Friends,

                In Jewish tradition it is called excessive pride, I call it the mitzvah of taking.  Everyone’s heard of the mitzvah of giving, but what many of us do not know is that it is also a mitzvah to take, not a good deed, but rather a commandment.  We are commanded to give, but we are also commanded to take. The Shulchan Aruch, our Code of Jewish Law, 500 years ago, writes that Whoever can not survive without assistance, such as an old, sick, or greatly suffering individual, but who stubbornly refuses to accept aid, is guilty of murdering him/herself.  I have met many people over the years who refuse help.  Perhaps they are too proud?  Too embarrassed?  They think that they have to be strong?  They think that asking for help is a sign of weakness?

                More than a century ago, in Vilna, a wealthy man lost all his money.  Ashamed of his poverty, he told no one of his changed circumstances, and eventually he died of malnutrition.  The townspeople were horrified to learn that one of their neighbors had died, and that no one helped.  Rabbi Israel Salanter consoled the ashamed citizens, and said, That man did not die of starvation, but rather of excessive pride.  Had he been willing to admit to his situation and ask others for help, he would not have died of hunger.

                Whether I have a congregant who is sick or who lost their job or lost their money or had an accident or injury to themselves or a loved one or had a death of a loved one or have become separated or divorced or been arrested or had a miscarriage or have a child with a disability or a child who left school or a major birthday or suffered from a natural disaster such as a fire or flood or have trouble with their child, it never ceases to amaze me how many tell no one.  We are not supposed to suffer alone.  We should never be alone.  One of the first things God says to us at the time of Creation is that It’s not good for a person to be alone.  That is why God created two people.  We are also taught that we should never separate ourselves from our community.  Being alone, suffering alone, is a choice.  A choice far too many of us take.  Just as Jewish tradition obligates those who have the means to provide it, it also obligates one who is needy to ask for assistance.  This is not a choice, rather it is an obligation.

                We live in a society that teaches us that the strong person is the person who can do it all by themselves.  "Be strong."  "You can do it."  "I don’t need anyone’s help."  "You can’t understand what I’m going through."  But Judaism says the strong person is the one who opens themselves up to others.  Which takes more strength? Keeping it all to yourself, suffering alone, or sharing with a friend, asking for help?

                Rabbi Joseph Telushkin tells a story about a family in the 1950s that was too proud to acknowledge that their loved one was suffering from depression.  In addition, they feared that their neighbors might find out and think less of them.  So no psychiatric help was given and one day this loved one took their own life. Clearly, according to Rabbi Telushkin, an important contributing factor to this was family pride.

                There are no such things as innocent bystanders in Judaism.  If we see someone suffering, we must help.  This goes for ourselves as well.  If we are suffering, then we cannot stand idly by while we do.  If it was our best friend, what would we do to help them, save them?  Would you ruin a friendship to get your friend the help that they need?  Would you ruin a friendship to save that friend’s life? Why wouldn’t we do the same for ourselves, for our friend’s friend, us?

                You lose your health, your job, your marriage?  You are not alone, although it can be the loneliest feeling in the world.  We are taught that God dwells within the community.  We are supposed to surround ourselves with others.  We are supposed to ask for help.  I find that most people I meet say, Of course, if a person needs help they should take it, but when it comes to themselves, then they want to do it on their own.  We seem to understand that if a person is bleeding, they need help.  If a person has cancer, they don’t say I’ll be strong, I won’t go to a doctor, I can take care of it myself.  If a person loses a loved one, we have shiva and mourning rituals.  But, what about mental illness, marital troubles, problems raising our kids, the loss of a job?  Don’t these also require outside help?  Help beyond our knowledge?  What makes us think that we can take on life’s devastating challenges, on our own?

                If a person is truly in need and has no way to obtain the help he/she needs on his/her own, he/she should not feel embarrassed to accept this help.  No one should feel too proud to take help from others.  In fact, it is considered a transgression to refuse help.  To refuse to get help is to put our lives in danger, at risk.  And unnecessary suffering and pain are also against Jewish law.  What’s our crisis?  What stands in our way of getting the help we need?  Pride?  Shame or embarrassment?  Denial?  Hope?  Anger?  Grief or sadness?  Fear or anxiety?  Whoever needs assistance, but refuses to accept it, is guilty.  Be strong.  Ask for help.  You are not alone.

A Happy and Healthy New Year,

Rabbi Alex Greenbaum

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